Losing the will to go on.

Let me just begin by saying Im a slight hypocrite..I'm semi good at giving advice to my friends and peers, but I on the other hand am not good at using it myself.  Whenever a buddy of mine is having a slump, or my sisters have problems with their lives, I am usually there or a text message away to help sort it out. I feel as though it is within my power to help them out in whatever way I can, and if I cant help them out, then I will do the best that I can within my power to get them help.

I, however...can't help myself.

In an earlier post I wrote for my step sister, it basically said we can do whatever we set ourselves out to do.  That we have to find the motivation to not give in to our weaknesses, and to find the power to use our strengths to prove others wrong.  When I posted it, my sister was suprised that I wrote it.  She thought it was great.

And now...I find myself on the opposite side of the board.

On the outside, there is the normal me.  The college student, going through Hell and back to make his ends meet, to get the pay check, to get the degree for a better job.  The prankster, the kid who put time into a card game and the video games because he can't compete in sports anymore, the kid who can't wait to go to California with his best friend and step-sister, the kid who listens to too much music to the point he has a lyric of a song for every situation he comes across.  This kid shows up about 70% of the time.  On the outside, he has been told he seems to have a mind that is near impossible to get into, unless you catch him on his worst day

Then...there is the other side of me.

The other side of me is haunted by every negative emotion that I've ever come across.  Every song he comes across brings an emotion out of him.  If someone tortures him, he can't shake it off until he thinks of every possible way to inflict pain in the back of his head. Whenever he sits in his bed at night, every bad memory comes back, it pierces his skin like white hot knives, and the fact that he cant get the pain out of his head, and when he finally does, a new knife goes straight into his flesh.  Only it feels worse then it already does, and the pain becomes so unbearable all he wants to do is weep until his eyes are dried up, making him blind so he cant look at the world. 

Maybe I dont want to look at the world.

Maybe I just want to shut my eyes and sew them shut, so I dont have to look at the world and all the problems I see. While I'm at it, put myself in a straightjacket so I cant move at all, so I dont have to move out of the comfort of my own security.

I cant let it all go...I just cant

For some bizarre reason, and i am sure everyone my age has experienced it, and after a while, they settle back in.  I am different, like some people I just cant let it go.  The short term memory I developed when playing a bad move in a card game, or taking a bad shot in a video game, I just cant do with all the demons that continue to plague me.  I put on a stone face, hoping that nobody can read my mind, knowing what I am thinking.  Yet only maybe only five different people can actually figure out something is wrong, and only one person knows exactly what I am thinking.

I guess what I'm getting at is that I am losing the will to go on.  After preaching so much on how we have so much potential and we dont realize it, or that we have to just pick ourselves up and try again, I guess the terrible side of me has been brought to the view of the public.

And it isn't showing any signs of being defeated